Looking Back vs. Letting Go

Lately I have found myself questioning if moving back home was the right decision or if I should have just stayed put and at least tried to make things work out. This marks the third week that I have been back and I still have not unpacked my first box, I just still feel like this is so unreal. I miss everything about college life and I hate that I only got to experience it for such a short period of time.

At times I feel guilty for feeling this way knowing that I am carrying such a little energetic little bundle of joy. By no means do I love her any less or anything I just sometimes wish I could have that life back and add her to it or otherwise make it work.

I think a lot of the reason why I am so torn about my decision is because I don’t feel as though this was the choice that I chose for myself. I feel as though my parents and especially my boyfriend were the main reason why I felt so compelled to move back. Although there intentions were good they made it seem as though it would be next to impossible to stay in Orlando and have the baby without help, which may or may not be true but now I definitely never know.

The challenges that I have had since moving back certainly have not made things easier to swallow. I have had one job offer that fell through the day I was moving back a couple of days before I was to start, another job that I accepted was way too stressful and too far away with ridiculous hours, and one of the best job interviews that I have ever done that yielded no offer at all. I feel as though being back with no job and no money of my own makes life much more complicated than I had hoped for, it is hard enough adjusting to being back but being back without your own money makes it almost unbearable.

Since the move is done and there is no turning back now I feel that I need to use what I miss so much to help push me to get back to a place where I can be independent and be a great example to her. School starts next week so hopefully having that to occupy my days waiting for her arrival will help. With only 60 credits left it feels like I am halfway there I just need to push a little harder and finish what I started.