Looking Back vs. Letting Go

Lately I have found myself questioning if moving back home was the right decision or if I should have just stayed put and at least tried to make things work out. This marks the third week that I have been back and I still have not unpacked my first box, I just still feel like this is so unreal. I miss everything about college life and I hate that I only got to experience it for such a short period of time.

At times I feel guilty for feeling this way knowing that I am carrying such a little energetic little bundle of joy. By no means do I love her any less or anything I just sometimes wish I could have that life back and add her to it or otherwise make it work.

I think a lot of the reason why I am so torn about my decision is because I don’t feel as though this was the choice that I chose for myself. I feel as though my parents and especially my boyfriend were the main reason why I felt so compelled to move back. Although there intentions were good they made it seem as though it would be next to impossible to stay in Orlando and have the baby without help, which may or may not be true but now I definitely never know.

The challenges that I have had since moving back certainly have not made things easier to swallow. I have had one job offer that fell through the day I was moving back a couple of days before I was to start, another job that I accepted was way too stressful and too far away with ridiculous hours, and one of the best job interviews that I have ever done that yielded no offer at all. I feel as though being back with no job and no money of my own makes life much more complicated than I had hoped for, it is hard enough adjusting to being back but being back without your own money makes it almost unbearable.

Since the move is done and there is no turning back now I feel that I need to use what I miss so much to help push me to get back to a place where I can be independent and be a great example to her. School starts next week so hopefully having that to occupy my days waiting for her arrival will help. With only 60 credits left it feels like I am halfway there I just need to push a little harder and finish what I started.

Becoming a Maternal Being

When I first became pregnant the last thing I felt was maternal. I still felt like a feisty teenager wanting to experience the world for myself and make my own stamp in the sands of time. But over the last five months between finding out, having to tell my parents, moving out of my apartment and back home, and transferring from my University back to my local community college I realize that now I’m making plans based off of what I feel is best for my daughter.

This morning in my alone time I was just thinking to myself my daughter is going to be a cheerleader, an A student, a successful college student and the list goes on. I’ve also noticed that I have already started to think about what type of high school I want her to go to and about her getting her driver’s license on her 16^th birthday.

When I was younger I used to notice how my mom when asked how she was doing would always find a way to turn the conversation over to an accomplishment I had made or to brag about how well I was doing in school or in an activity. Now it’s so ironic because I find myself doing the same thing, no longer are my conversations self-centered they are more focused on her. Everything I feel is now because the baby wants me to or the baby feels a certain way or the baby kicked so she must like or dislike that. I love to put the focus on her and make it known that she is my pride and joy already.

Although I have not met her yet it is amazing how I already feel such a strong connection and love to her it is like I have known her forever. And even though our conversations are one sided she keeps me entertained; These feelings are something that I have just begun to experience as her presence has become more known and it just makes those most irritating symptoms all the more worth it.

Get to know me.

Hello Ladies,

This is my very first blog post ever and I am really excited to get started on this page where we as young mommies can come together and provide support, advice, and a listening ear to each other. I would like to start by telling you a little bit about myself and my journey in life so far. I graduated high school in June 2011 a year earlier than I was supposed to with 35 college credits and I went to the University of Central Florida for a few months shy of a year before I found out I was pregnant in April of this year. I finished the summer semester and have since moved back to my home town which is also in Florida in order to attend the local community college and finish up my last 60 credits of coursework. Although, I may have a new responsibility in life I am not going to take my focus off of what has always been important to me, finishing school. My plan for this blog is to share with other young moms who may be just finding out they are pregnant, or are already moms and create a place where we can be open and learn from each other.